The Turning Point

 Is it just me, or do Noto icecreams taste a little chemical? I was eating mini, and after the first bite of choclate, there is a little of weird bitter taste there 

 So lately, I have been consuming a shit ton of content, especially on Netflix and similar platforms. Long-form content, as well as short-form content like reels.  But that means that I am quicker to watch TV shows. And I recently watched the second season of Nobody Wants This. And why did everyone break up in the season finale- like literally all the couples in the show broke up. Also, what is up with Noah and Joanne, like why does the same thing happen in every season- they are together and then in the finale they break up and then run to each other.  Also, I saw a lot of posts about how their relationship is perfect. But again, they seem very weird to me. Like, I don't really see anything which makes them a "dreamboat"  couple. Even that bit is so templatized. Joanne acts childish; Morgan eggs her on, then she realises she is being silly and goes to Noah to say she wants to act like the 30-something adult she is.  Also, the Ester Sasha arc and break-up make n...

 Hello!  I know it has been a while since I wrote to you but I just remembered about you today. Since no one really reads it any way, I thought I would tell what is been on my mind. Cause I am tired, actually no just sugar crashing I guess and really can't think or work. Kaafi bore ho raha hai. Need to rest and sleep and just read. But club applications karne padh rahe hai. AHHH. I know it sounds to bleh, but I want to chill, I want to work as much as they did in two states. I don't want to study till 2 in the night and wake up at 5:30. I want to learn how to swim and go the gym daily. I want to write creatively, and produce research. Interact with people and party. I don't want to be in this constant pressure cycle 

It would not be incorrect say that past couple of months have been sucky at the best. Everyone around me is getting jobs, winning moots and scoring better marks than me. And I feel as if I am stuck. I feel I am not moving forward. I don't have a job or a prospect of a job. I am  doing terribly at my internals. I feel terrible, both mentally and physically. I can't empty my brain. Every time sit to work on my internals or externls my brain turns to my lack of prospects. I am trying everything, I think. I have dropped my standards and applying for like really random jobs on LinkedIn yet no response.  I can't concentrate on my work because of this Albatross around my neck. My externals start on the 22nd and I am so ill prepared. I swear it keeps on getting worse and worse. I am really tired I just want to be employed. I want to get a moot and do well in that moot. I want AP to call me and I want to be happy. I just want to be happy. I just want to know what did I do wrong, wh...

It is 21st April, already.  My first paper is on the 24th. After that I have continuous papers. I have bad marks in my internals. I don't know anything for my externals either. I have not done anything. I am slightly worried. The key word being slightly. Why I am only slightly worried. I should be more worried. I should be panicking, instead I just finished watching two episodes of Gilmore Girls. Before that as well I watched like two episodes yesterday. Why am I doing this to myself. I don't like this self-destructive path I have chosen for myself. Why am I doing this to myself. On one hand I make these plans that I would go to Oxford but on the other hand I am self-sabotaging myself. Why?? Why?? I am so screwed. I wish I had motivation, a drive. Something to push me study. I really, really, really just want to study. But I just can't bring myself to do it. Am I screwed or what. I am so so  so so screwed. I am so scared too; I really can't have my grades fall to a 3....

Sometimes I wonder if what I am doing right now is right. Am I wrong in my approach in handling the so called "drama" in my life. But I have always admitted that to a certain extent I am in the wrong. The only problem is the my being in the wrong is less wrong than the other parties wrong. 

Hey Blog, It has been a while what can I say it has been a rough and busy one year. A lot has happened and I don't intend to catch you up on what all has happened, atleast not today. But, today I am here to tell you about a new problem I am facing these days. I have always breezed through exams and assignments. But lately it has  gotten harder. For the past two semester my grades have been on a downward spiral. Additionally, I have not been able to concentrate and recently I got a 14 on an assignment, which is by the way way below average. Admittedly my paper last semester were not really that well but still my scores in some subjects were just abominable. I am really disappointed. Additionally,  after that I promised myself that I would do my best this semester but that is so not happening. I am trying but I have a feeling that my internals just don't come out nice. It is like I am unable to think. I feel DUMB. I have never felt that in my entire life. I have given up on m...

Are these constant fights with my parents , these hours wasted on working on application and CV, these constant pressure and red eyes and dark circles - are they worth it, when I don’t even know what I want or where I want to be. My ambition in life changes with each semester.  I am just so done with life and so sick and tired of all of this. I just want to take a break but I am so afraid that I will be left behind. I am fine till the moment I am away from here, but the moment I come back I feel worthless I feel as if I am somehow not good enough, not competent enough.  Would anything ever be worth it? Would I ever be happy? That is all I truly want to be happy, to be loved, to explore. To go places and find  loose myself. I just want to pickup my bag and never come back. Just roam around the world even India would do. Not knowing anyone or anything no worries about jobs, internship or anything else. Just exploring the world, seeing different places and no  con...

I have been called cold hearted a lot times by many people and I have never taken it seriously. They always said so in jest and I took it likewise. But I think there might be some truth  in it. Recently, I have come to realize that maybe I am a terrible person really. Maybe not terrible like Hitler but like an unemphatic, unfeeling person.  One may ask why do I feel so?  Well, I am going to give a point by point answer for this- 1. I get bored of people Yes, you read it right. I get bored of people. I cannot be around same people day in and day out. Let me illustrate this with the help of a very recent example- I have this friend, I have no issues with her. She is cool, nice. A little irresponsible but that never bothered me. I have been spending almost  8-12 hours with daily for almost a  month now and I am so bored of her. I can literally predict what she is doing. I cannot even talk to anymore, I am happy the days she doesn't come to work. I am not even i...

I met him in the National Gallery of Modern Art. He caught my eye when he walked in, but I paid no heed to him any further. We moved from one painting to another together sometimes by his design sometimes by mine. It was after 4 paintings that one of us mustered up the courage to initiate a conversation. Needless to say it was him; it was one of the worst conversation openers of all time. “Are you an artist as well?” It was both presumptive and at the same time boastful. However, I let it slide. Or maybe I didn’t realize so that time.  From there on it was one thing to another, we talked for hours. We talked about our family but not where were we from. We talked about paintings and what it reminded us of. He went to full mansplaining mode about art. But, can it actually be termed that if that is his specialization. I think it was another thing which I let slide. But the way he did that was not condescending at all. He was just so passionate when he talked about the artists he lik...

Recently, I really do not want a SO, I really just want a person to take care of me. Like call me to ask me if I am alright, text me to see that I am alive, understand me, pamper me. Hear me crib.  Pick me up, drop me. Really that is it. I don’t want anything else, Just concern. I feel I keep on taking care of other people, ensuring that they reached home safely or that they are emotionally alright, that they have eaten ot if they are ill then they are taking their medicines on time. I generally do not expect anything in return. But I am just so tired these days, plus I am so emotional. I really just want to be held tightly. I want someone to focus their entire existence on me but at the same time I do not want to be smothered which eventually ends up happening. I saw this guy going to pick up his daughter on the bus stand and I missed my dad or anyone like that who could come and pick me up.  I then talked to my dad in the  night and I felt so pissed at him asking me ...

Well, my happiness project is so far going fine atleast externally. I am trying to be open to new people and experiences and am avoiding the negative influences in my life. I am trying to make positivity a habit and I think to a certain extent I am comfortable. However, internally I am in a turmoil, I am anxious and worried. I have so much work and I don't think I will be able to do it. I am happy in the moment and then I start thinking about the future and everything just goes haywire. I feel so anxious and incomplete all the time.

For as long as I could remember I always wanted to be special, I wanted to be unique, in the top two percent. I wanted brilliant, magical things to happen to me. I imagined how I would feel when it would happen. These brilliant magical things ranged from  getting into the best college to winning a moot to having a fairy tale romance. I kept on waiting for these things to happen and they did but never to me. Whenever it happened to anyone else, I would make myself a victim and blame others or tear down that other person. This created a viscous cycle of negativity which kept on making me more and more depressed. I was scared to accept the fact that maybe I am average or normal. It took me 20 years to realize that I don't have to be special. I can be normal, live a normal  yet successful & fulfilling life and be happy. I chose to make myself miserable. Maybe I don't deserve what I want, maybe I will get something better or maybe what I want is not what I need. These may sou...

Dear S*****p, I really don't know where to start, I am not sure whether I should apologize or be disappointed because you are not what I imagined you to be. But I can't blame you, because it is not your fault, I have made you, I have built you up in my mind, and unfortunately you are not that person and it is not your fault. You didn't know that I expected chivalry  and hence you gave me indifference. I made you out to be kind which you are not, and funny and smart. I made a fictional character with the same identity as a real human being and it is not your fault. But since I do not like taking responsibility for my actions you have to bear the brunt of my imagination and hence if things become awkward and I become distant you can blame me. Regards Your Imaginary Girlfriend

You can disappoint a lot of people, People you know People you don't But  the worst thing is to disappoint yourself. Wasting your potential Letting opportunities pass away Settling for mediocrity Its like cheating yourself Convincing yourself that you get what you deserve Making excuses Being easy on yourself Wasting yourself away. Until, one day realization dawns That you deserve better But you have no one to blame Because deep down you know it is you

Everyone has someone. This someone can be anyone a friend, a parent, a sibling, a romantic partner. You know this someone would always be there for you, would never betray you, would never judge you and most importantly never leave you. This someone is the person around whom you can be you, around whom who take out all masks and just be yourselves. He/She would never label you, would never try to complete you but complement you. She thought about this someone often, whether she would ever find such a person? But, then she would tell herself that this is what she has worked towards her entire life. To be self- dependent because people always leave and if they don't leave they expect you to change for them. They want to fix you. But what if I am not broken, she thought. Maybe this was her a little neurotic, a little asocial, a little aloof and maybe she was fine that way. Just because she was different did not mean that she was faulty. Just because she did not enjoy the things o...

Is it possible to reach that point in your life where you have kept feelings in a jar for so long that they have died along with everything related to it.

So I don't know how many,  if any,  regular readers I have; but nonetheless I will continue to make references to my previous posts. So in my first year, I had a major crush on this guy in my class, I never told anybody about it, obviously.  Eventually, he started dating one of my closest friends. I  resented her for that for the longest time and quite frankly still do.  This is in spite  the fact  I don't like him anymore, they have broken up for over a year now and he is with someone else. Now fast forward to my present crush, again  I have numerous posts about him, and I think history is repeating itself; in other words, I think he has a crush or if crush is way too strong a word here I think he likes my best friend. Again, I am playing fast and loose with the word best friend here, although she is my roommate and I hang out with her a lot but I really find her fake and she gets on my nerves .  So I am really not a huge fan o...

Dear A*****a, Chill really, remember why you went through such a bad phrase last year. Remember why you almost went into clinical depression. Remember what almost wrecked you last year. It was not the moot, it was the importance you attached to this not so significant event. It was the way you got worked up for nothing. I know this means a lot to you, I know you have to prove a lot to a lot of people, but you have to remain level- headed. Because, when you are calm you can conquer the world. Work hard, work your ass off. Give it  your 200% , but don't let it get to your head. Remember whatever happens it is not the end of the world. You can come back from a 11 rank, you will get what you deserve. Just be the best version of yourself.  Don't do this for the wrong reasons, do this for the right reasons, do this because you want to and not because you have to. I know your destination is to get a great rank, but don't forget to enjoy and learn from the journey.  Keep ...

I know this is the last thing you want to hear today, but count your blessings and be happy. In know, this week is really hard you  are sick and you feel weak and your uterus is also hell-bent on making your life harder but remember like everything even this shall pass. I know, you feel like you have bitten more than you have chewed, I know you are scared about this semester; you donot want your CGPA to drop further, you want to do moots and win them . But, you feel you can't . Stop doing this to yourself. Give yourself a break, don't be so hard on yourself. Enjoy life, read books, daydream about S*****p. Chill, be happy and focus on the now and do your best and leave the rest( not to anybody).