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Miracles

For as long as I could remember I always wanted to be special, I wanted to be unique, in the top two percent. I wanted brilliant, magical things to happen to me. I imagined how I would feel when it would happen. These brilliant magical things ranged from  getting into the best college to winning a moot to having a fairy tale romance. I kept on waiting for these things to happen and they did but never to me. Whenever it happened to anyone else, I would make myself a victim and blame others or tear down that other person. This created a viscous cycle of negativity which kept on making me more and more depressed. I was scared to accept the fact that maybe I am average or normal.
It took me 20 years to realize that I don't have to be special. I can be normal, live a normal  yet successful & fulfilling life and be happy. I chose to make myself miserable. Maybe I don't deserve what I want, maybe I will get something better or maybe what I want is not what I need. These may sound like platitudes but they are eternal formulas to live by. After putting myself through a lot of misery I realized that all I wanted was to be happy. Maybe getting into a good college might make me happy, or getting a good internship or maybe even winning a moot. But, they are ephemeral, they would only provide me momentary happiness and it would pass in a week. Until, I get a new internal to obsess over, or maybe I get another rejection letter from my next internship. True happiness came from within, I had to stop making my present miserable over the promise of a better tomorrow, because when time comes to enjoy that tomorrow, it would become today. I know it makes no sense- but consider this- all my High School I fretted over the fact that I HAVE to get into a good college to get a good job to be successful to be happy. I stopped living in the present, I did not enjoy my school years, I just kept on going. I did the same the first three years of college. I don't know what has changed, maybe I finally found the miracle I have been waiting my entire life. I know that the secret to my happiness is now. I would never ever be twenty again. I would never ever live 31st December 201 6 again. I will never have this dinner with my family or this conversation with my sister or this moment with myself ever again. I would still want and work for a good career but I would not assume that it would magically change my life and make me thinner, popular and happier. As it turns out I already had a pretty great life, I just never took the time to live it. Now, I promise I would

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