The Turning Point

Are these constant fights with my parents , these hours wasted on working on application and CV, these constant pressure and red eyes and dark circles - are they worth it, when I don’t even know what I want or where I want to be. My ambition in life changes with each semester.  I am just so done with life and so sick and tired of all of this. I just want to take a break but I am so afraid that I will be left behind. I am fine till the moment I am away from here, but the moment I come back I feel worthless I feel as if I am somehow not good enough, not competent enough.  Would anything ever be worth it? Would I ever be happy? That is all I truly want to be happy, to be loved, to explore. To go places and find  loose myself. I just want to pickup my bag and never come back. Just roam around the world even India would do. Not knowing anyone or anything no worries about jobs, internship or anything else. Just exploring the world, seeing different places and no  con...

I have been called cold hearted a lot times by many people and I have never taken it seriously. They always said so in jest and I took it likewise. But I think there might be some truth  in it. Recently, I have come to realize that maybe I am a terrible person really. Maybe not terrible like Hitler but like an unemphatic, unfeeling person.  One may ask why do I feel so?  Well, I am going to give a point by point answer for this- 1. I get bored of people Yes, you read it right. I get bored of people. I cannot be around same people day in and day out. Let me illustrate this with the help of a very recent example- I have this friend, I have no issues with her. She is cool, nice. A little irresponsible but that never bothered me. I have been spending almost  8-12 hours with daily for almost a  month now and I am so bored of her. I can literally predict what she is doing. I cannot even talk to anymore, I am happy the days she doesn't come to work. I am not even i...

I met him in the National Gallery of Modern Art. He caught my eye when he walked in, but I paid no heed to him any further. We moved from one painting to another together sometimes by his design sometimes by mine. It was after 4 paintings that one of us mustered up the courage to initiate a conversation. Needless to say it was him; it was one of the worst conversation openers of all time. “Are you an artist as well?” It was both presumptive and at the same time boastful. However, I let it slide. Or maybe I didn’t realize so that time.  From there on it was one thing to another, we talked for hours. We talked about our family but not where were we from. We talked about paintings and what it reminded us of. He went to full mansplaining mode about art. But, can it actually be termed that if that is his specialization. I think it was another thing which I let slide. But the way he did that was not condescending at all. He was just so passionate when he talked about the artists he lik...

Recently, I really do not want a SO, I really just want a person to take care of me. Like call me to ask me if I am alright, text me to see that I am alive, understand me, pamper me. Hear me crib.  Pick me up, drop me. Really that is it. I don’t want anything else, Just concern. I feel I keep on taking care of other people, ensuring that they reached home safely or that they are emotionally alright, that they have eaten ot if they are ill then they are taking their medicines on time. I generally do not expect anything in return. But I am just so tired these days, plus I am so emotional. I really just want to be held tightly. I want someone to focus their entire existence on me but at the same time I do not want to be smothered which eventually ends up happening. I saw this guy going to pick up his daughter on the bus stand and I missed my dad or anyone like that who could come and pick me up.  I then talked to my dad in the  night and I felt so pissed at him asking me ...

Well, my happiness project is so far going fine atleast externally. I am trying to be open to new people and experiences and am avoiding the negative influences in my life. I am trying to make positivity a habit and I think to a certain extent I am comfortable. However, internally I am in a turmoil, I am anxious and worried. I have so much work and I don't think I will be able to do it. I am happy in the moment and then I start thinking about the future and everything just goes haywire. I feel so anxious and incomplete all the time.

For as long as I could remember I always wanted to be special, I wanted to be unique, in the top two percent. I wanted brilliant, magical things to happen to me. I imagined how I would feel when it would happen. These brilliant magical things ranged from  getting into the best college to winning a moot to having a fairy tale romance. I kept on waiting for these things to happen and they did but never to me. Whenever it happened to anyone else, I would make myself a victim and blame others or tear down that other person. This created a viscous cycle of negativity which kept on making me more and more depressed. I was scared to accept the fact that maybe I am average or normal. It took me 20 years to realize that I don't have to be special. I can be normal, live a normal  yet successful & fulfilling life and be happy. I chose to make myself miserable. Maybe I don't deserve what I want, maybe I will get something better or maybe what I want is not what I need. These may sou...

Dear S*****p, I really don't know where to start, I am not sure whether I should apologize or be disappointed because you are not what I imagined you to be. But I can't blame you, because it is not your fault, I have made you, I have built you up in my mind, and unfortunately you are not that person and it is not your fault. You didn't know that I expected chivalry  and hence you gave me indifference. I made you out to be kind which you are not, and funny and smart. I made a fictional character with the same identity as a real human being and it is not your fault. But since I do not like taking responsibility for my actions you have to bear the brunt of my imagination and hence if things become awkward and I become distant you can blame me. Regards Your Imaginary Girlfriend