The Turning Point

It is 21st April, already.  My first paper is on the 24th. After that I have continuous papers. I have bad marks in my internals. I don't know anything for my externals either. I have not done anything. I am slightly worried. The key word being slightly. Why I am only slightly worried. I should be more worried. I should be panicking, instead I just finished watching two episodes of Gilmore Girls. Before that as well I watched like two episodes yesterday. Why am I doing this to myself. I don't like this self-destructive path I have chosen for myself. Why am I doing this to myself. On one hand I make these plans that I would go to Oxford but on the other hand I am self-sabotaging myself. Why?? Why?? I am so screwed. I wish I had motivation, a drive. Something to push me study. I really, really, really just want to study. But I just can't bring myself to do it. Am I screwed or what. I am so so  so so screwed. I am so scared too; I really can't have my grades fall to a 3....

Sometimes I wonder if what I am doing right now is right. Am I wrong in my approach in handling the so called "drama" in my life. But I have always admitted that to a certain extent I am in the wrong. The only problem is the my being in the wrong is less wrong than the other parties wrong. 

Hey Blog, It has been a while what can I say it has been a rough and busy one year. A lot has happened and I don't intend to catch you up on what all has happened, atleast not today. But, today I am here to tell you about a new problem I am facing these days. I have always breezed through exams and assignments. But lately it has  gotten harder. For the past two semester my grades have been on a downward spiral. Additionally, I have not been able to concentrate and recently I got a 14 on an assignment, which is by the way way below average. Admittedly my paper last semester were not really that well but still my scores in some subjects were just abominable. I am really disappointed. Additionally,  after that I promised myself that I would do my best this semester but that is so not happening. I am trying but I have a feeling that my internals just don't come out nice. It is like I am unable to think. I feel DUMB. I have never felt that in my entire life. I have given up on m...

Are these constant fights with my parents , these hours wasted on working on application and CV, these constant pressure and red eyes and dark circles - are they worth it, when I don’t even know what I want or where I want to be. My ambition in life changes with each semester.  I am just so done with life and so sick and tired of all of this. I just want to take a break but I am so afraid that I will be left behind. I am fine till the moment I am away from here, but the moment I come back I feel worthless I feel as if I am somehow not good enough, not competent enough.  Would anything ever be worth it? Would I ever be happy? That is all I truly want to be happy, to be loved, to explore. To go places and find  loose myself. I just want to pickup my bag and never come back. Just roam around the world even India would do. Not knowing anyone or anything no worries about jobs, internship or anything else. Just exploring the world, seeing different places and no  con...

I have been called cold hearted a lot times by many people and I have never taken it seriously. They always said so in jest and I took it likewise. But I think there might be some truth  in it. Recently, I have come to realize that maybe I am a terrible person really. Maybe not terrible like Hitler but like an unemphatic, unfeeling person.  One may ask why do I feel so?  Well, I am going to give a point by point answer for this- 1. I get bored of people Yes, you read it right. I get bored of people. I cannot be around same people day in and day out. Let me illustrate this with the help of a very recent example- I have this friend, I have no issues with her. She is cool, nice. A little irresponsible but that never bothered me. I have been spending almost  8-12 hours with daily for almost a  month now and I am so bored of her. I can literally predict what she is doing. I cannot even talk to anymore, I am happy the days she doesn't come to work. I am not even i...

I met him in the National Gallery of Modern Art. He caught my eye when he walked in, but I paid no heed to him any further. We moved from one painting to another together sometimes by his design sometimes by mine. It was after 4 paintings that one of us mustered up the courage to initiate a conversation. Needless to say it was him; it was one of the worst conversation openers of all time. “Are you an artist as well?” It was both presumptive and at the same time boastful. However, I let it slide. Or maybe I didn’t realize so that time.  From there on it was one thing to another, we talked for hours. We talked about our family but not where were we from. We talked about paintings and what it reminded us of. He went to full mansplaining mode about art. But, can it actually be termed that if that is his specialization. I think it was another thing which I let slide. But the way he did that was not condescending at all. He was just so passionate when he talked about the artists he lik...

Recently, I really do not want a SO, I really just want a person to take care of me. Like call me to ask me if I am alright, text me to see that I am alive, understand me, pamper me. Hear me crib.  Pick me up, drop me. Really that is it. I don’t want anything else, Just concern. I feel I keep on taking care of other people, ensuring that they reached home safely or that they are emotionally alright, that they have eaten ot if they are ill then they are taking their medicines on time. I generally do not expect anything in return. But I am just so tired these days, plus I am so emotional. I really just want to be held tightly. I want someone to focus their entire existence on me but at the same time I do not want to be smothered which eventually ends up happening. I saw this guy going to pick up his daughter on the bus stand and I missed my dad or anyone like that who could come and pick me up.  I then talked to my dad in the  night and I felt so pissed at him asking me ...