The Turning Point

I met him in the National Gallery of Modern Art. He caught my eye when he walked in, but I paid no heed to him any further. We moved from one painting to another together sometimes by his design sometimes by mine. It was after 4 paintings that one of us mustered up the courage to initiate a conversation. Needless to say it was him; it was one of the worst conversation openers of all time. “Are you an artist as well?” It was both presumptive and at the same time boastful. However, I let it slide. Or maybe I didn’t realize so that time.  From there on it was one thing to another, we talked for hours. We talked about our family but not where were we from. We talked about paintings and what it reminded us of. He went to full mansplaining mode about art. But, can it actually be termed that if that is his specialization. I think it was another thing which I let slide. But the way he did that was not condescending at all. He was just so passionate when he talked about the artists he lik...

Recently, I really do not want a SO, I really just want a person to take care of me. Like call me to ask me if I am alright, text me to see that I am alive, understand me, pamper me. Hear me crib.  Pick me up, drop me. Really that is it. I don’t want anything else, Just concern. I feel I keep on taking care of other people, ensuring that they reached home safely or that they are emotionally alright, that they have eaten ot if they are ill then they are taking their medicines on time. I generally do not expect anything in return. But I am just so tired these days, plus I am so emotional. I really just want to be held tightly. I want someone to focus their entire existence on me but at the same time I do not want to be smothered which eventually ends up happening. I saw this guy going to pick up his daughter on the bus stand and I missed my dad or anyone like that who could come and pick me up.  I then talked to my dad in the  night and I felt so pissed at him asking me ...

Well, my happiness project is so far going fine atleast externally. I am trying to be open to new people and experiences and am avoiding the negative influences in my life. I am trying to make positivity a habit and I think to a certain extent I am comfortable. However, internally I am in a turmoil, I am anxious and worried. I have so much work and I don't think I will be able to do it. I am happy in the moment and then I start thinking about the future and everything just goes haywire. I feel so anxious and incomplete all the time.

For as long as I could remember I always wanted to be special, I wanted to be unique, in the top two percent. I wanted brilliant, magical things to happen to me. I imagined how I would feel when it would happen. These brilliant magical things ranged from  getting into the best college to winning a moot to having a fairy tale romance. I kept on waiting for these things to happen and they did but never to me. Whenever it happened to anyone else, I would make myself a victim and blame others or tear down that other person. This created a viscous cycle of negativity which kept on making me more and more depressed. I was scared to accept the fact that maybe I am average or normal. It took me 20 years to realize that I don't have to be special. I can be normal, live a normal  yet successful & fulfilling life and be happy. I chose to make myself miserable. Maybe I don't deserve what I want, maybe I will get something better or maybe what I want is not what I need. These may sou...

Dear S*****p, I really don't know where to start, I am not sure whether I should apologize or be disappointed because you are not what I imagined you to be. But I can't blame you, because it is not your fault, I have made you, I have built you up in my mind, and unfortunately you are not that person and it is not your fault. You didn't know that I expected chivalry  and hence you gave me indifference. I made you out to be kind which you are not, and funny and smart. I made a fictional character with the same identity as a real human being and it is not your fault. But since I do not like taking responsibility for my actions you have to bear the brunt of my imagination and hence if things become awkward and I become distant you can blame me. Regards Your Imaginary Girlfriend

You can disappoint a lot of people, People you know People you don't But  the worst thing is to disappoint yourself. Wasting your potential Letting opportunities pass away Settling for mediocrity Its like cheating yourself Convincing yourself that you get what you deserve Making excuses Being easy on yourself Wasting yourself away. Until, one day realization dawns That you deserve better But you have no one to blame Because deep down you know it is you

Everyone has someone. This someone can be anyone a friend, a parent, a sibling, a romantic partner. You know this someone would always be there for you, would never betray you, would never judge you and most importantly never leave you. This someone is the person around whom you can be you, around whom who take out all masks and just be yourselves. He/She would never label you, would never try to complete you but complement you. She thought about this someone often, whether she would ever find such a person? But, then she would tell herself that this is what she has worked towards her entire life. To be self- dependent because people always leave and if they don't leave they expect you to change for them. They want to fix you. But what if I am not broken, she thought. Maybe this was her a little neurotic, a little asocial, a little aloof and maybe she was fine that way. Just because she was different did not mean that she was faulty. Just because she did not enjoy the things o...