The Turning Point

Well, since this is a anonymous blog I am going to let go of my fake modesty and say that I have always considered that I am somewhere in the top 1%  in terms of intelligence. How did I measure it? Well, I know it is not considered a very appropriate measure but I always scored pretty high and was among the top three of my class, also whenever I took an IQ test I have always had an IQ in the range of 125-135. Plus I am quick at learning and understanding stuff. So I have always taken for granted that I am pretty smart. But the problem these days is that I am losing faith in my intelligence, I am feeling something I have never felt in my entire life, I feel dumb. Also one of the most important measures of intelligence for me, i.e. my marks are falling, apart from that even when I am going for quizzes these days I hardly know 25% of the questions as opposed to somewhere between 70%-80% generally. I am so scared, because generally being smart i...

I know my past few post have been extremely sad & depressing, and expressed a very sorry state of mind. To tell the truth I was indeed a very depressed for the past one week, the past month has been a very hard on me, I have been exhausted to the core, I am always tired and because of this I have started neglecting things that actually matter to me and I have become so lazy. But now this going to change, my situation in life is not much improved, all that has plagued me this past month is still plaguing me today, but today on the 69th Independence day of my country I make a promise to free myself from this sadness, if I think I am tired I would feel tired and subsequently exhausted and burned out. I am going to be happy and positive no matter how bad things turn out to be. I would put end to this melancholy. PS- This would also mean that from now on my post would be more upbeat or at least less whiny.

These days I feel I am cursed. I have a touch which is opposite that of Midas touch, everything I touch turns bad and rotten. Usually my bad luck just affected me but I think now I have started cursing others as well. I feel so guilty cause my stupidity and negligence someone who did nothing wrong, who worked her ass off has to suffer. Yesterday I wrote about how results somehow seem to elude me but now I feel how the person who had no fault of her own must feel. A person has to suffer see her three weeks of hard work go down the drain just cause of my carelessness and stupidity. I feel I am truly cursed and I feel I am cursing others and I don't know what to do.  

It has been a month into the third semester and I am so exhausted and so lost that I don't know what to do anymore. I work so hard, I try so much yet I don't get any results. I had this moot thing for which I worked my ass off and I got disqualified, I mean people who did absolutely nothing got ranks and I got disqualified. Plus because of this I have already messed up two of my internals and am on the way to mess up my third one. I have this internal tomorrow for which I have studied not even a single bit and I feel I am so going to mess it up, plus it is a subject about which I don't know squat. I know this is going to sound extremely silly and melodramatic, but I feel everything bad just happens to me I feel I just have the worst luck in the world. I just can't think of one good thing that has ever happened to me. Why do things never turn out the way I want them to? I mean the things that I want the most I just don't ever get them. I wanted to study i...

It has been a month since I have been back in Pune and I don't know how that month has passed. It has all been internship, moot, assignments and more assignments. I have not slept for more than 4 hours in the past three weeks and today I feel enough is enough. I frankly can't take it anymore, I need sleep, I need leisure time, I need a break, and it has just been a month, I have like 3 more left and now I feel like I can't do this any more. I have legitimately had like actual moments where I have  wanted to leave all this and go and join like a writing school, I was even checked a couple of colleges. But I always stop short, I don't know why? May be I am too afraid or too complacent or I just think too much about it. Plus on top of it I feel so incomplete these days, I feel as if I am  doing everything in such a mechanic manner, I feel as if my life has no purpose. I have no clue what would I do after this course gets over. I have never felt so lost, so c...

There are a of of things in this world I don't care about, or at least I act like I don't care about. But today I am not here to talk about those, today I am here to talk to you about the things or rather the thing I care about, my grades. This might sound shallow, well  I don't care, I have always been a straight As' student and grades have always been extremely important to me. And now I feel I am being indifferent about that as well, tomorrow I have an external and I have not even started. Now many of you might feel this indifference is not a big thing and definitely not a bad thing. But. if I am no that person who just does not care anymore, then who am I? And the next thing is even if I am worried and having a panic attack like I am having right now, I am not going to convert that into hours of studies. But OMG, it just hit me the mere fact that I am writing this post means that I care, it means I care enough to care when I stop caring. I know this is confus...

Well, when I made this blog, I promised myself I would keep it about me, about my likes- dislikes, dilemmas and basically what goes about in my head. Another reason was that I have always refrained from posting anything controversial online, like my political or religious affiliation, I don't know maybe I was scared of trolls. But today I think it is high time I speak up, this is a cause which is very close to my heart and I just can't let it goo without any fight, all my other social medias are full of post and tweets supporting and defending Greenpeace, and I think it is time that even this, my secret weapon is bought out from my armory. Well I don't know how effective would this be, since I don't have any regular readers, but any one who come across this would at least know how dissent is being gagged in the biggest democracy in the world. It is not just Greenpeace but other organizations like Ford Foundation and Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, and after bann...