Very recently I was posed with an interesting dilemma whether to believe in God or any form of Supernatural power or not. I have stopped believing in organised religion since I was almost 11 or 12. It started off because I hated going to the mosque or performing namaz, I could not understand Arabic and the whole fanaticism attached to it annoys me to no extent. At think at this juncture, it becomes important for me to clarify some points; I belong to this really close-knit and small group under Shia sect called Bohra Muslims. Generally, our community is considered pretty progressive according to Islamic as well as Indian standard but it is a business community and as with very thing else we even managed to monetize religion as well. The lavish lifestyle enjoyed by our religious leaders and their demand for an exorbitant amount of money was a crucial factor which alienated me from my own religion. Plus the people with whom I have to live do not help either. I come from a tier two city thus people there are generally conservative but especially so in my community, they don't want to talk about new ideas, they are extremely sexist and refuse to come out of their bubble ( obviously this is generalised there are exceptions, of course).
Despite never truly believing in organised religion, till a very recently I believed in God or some form of Supernatural justice system, however gradually even that believe eroded. I came to the conclusion that there was no grand plan, bad things do happen to good people and the universe had no way to provide justice. This truth did not shatter me but it would be apt to say that my world was rocked I became cynical and bitter and generally miserable. I am mean, I admit it but according to my own moral compass I always maintain a hard north, but I started disregarding my morality and began taking walks on the wild side; after all who was there to stop me. Knowing that what I was doing was wrong made me more bitter towards everyone. Also, I lost my faith in humanity, the inherent goodness of human nature; I could no longer trust anyone (not even my family). I have a feeling everyone is out to get me, my parents are hindering me from achieving my true potential and my friends are sabotaging me. This further makes me (as I now realise writing this) more bitter and miserable. As I already wrote when I renamed the blog that I am changing my life turning it around, I believed I could do that with a positive attitude and a clean heart with no ill will towards anyone and hard work.
I think this works I am happy (for now), I am a little less insecure. I trust myself and am prepared to work hard while maintaining my positive attitude. However, there is one aspect of my life which I have still not figured out and which still gnaws me. The question of believe?
I have completely given up on the idea of organised religion but the question still remains that do I believe in God. Well, frankly I still have a hard time trusting anyone or anything. But if I don’t believe in God or any supernatural justice system then what is to ensure order in the universe. But believing is hard too, it means losing control over my life something which I feel I have very recently gained. It would mean that no matter what I do that would never be enough. Even if I work hard there is no guarantee that I will get what I want. What if God’s grand plan for me is something which I don’t want? How can he/she know what makes me happy? This makes me feel weak, like a pawn, helpless. And there is nothing that I can do to change it.
It helps some people believe that God wants what is good for everyone. I don’t believe that cancer is not good for anyone; millions of people dying in terrorist attack does not help anyone. Why do some people have to starve while the others just waste food? There is no inherent justice in the universe; if there is a God he is capricious like my High School teacher, playing favourites.
But the question still remains do I believe in God?
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