The Turning Point

I will come back to you every time, No matter what you say or do or not do I will come to you I will come back to you every time, In spite of all the pain and disappointments and emptiness   I will come to you I will come back to you every time , Against my better judgment or of my family and friends I will come to you I will come to you every time, Not because I have no one else or no place else to be But because  in spite of everything I will always love you I will always come to you

I am not in love exactly but it has been an ongoing theme  of my blog for some time and the reason I am writing this current post is also the same, it is HIM. Yeah my stupid unattainable crush who I am supposed help with his moot and hence I leave my work and help him which puts me behind on my work and which annoys me to no extent yet I do it because I can't say no to him and well deep down I do want him to like me. I mean who am I kidding I want him to fall for me and well I do want to have nauseatingly cheesy conversation and late night walks with him and do want a person who is mine like completely and totally mine who would put me first, which my realistic part of the brain knows would not happen yet my dreamy part just keeps on day dreaming and putting me in trouble. The fact remains I do not mind helping him in case it is useful for me as well, but the point still remains that my externals are just 10 days away and I can't really be wasting time on his work right now b

I have realized one thing, I am not negative. I am a positive optimistic dreamer, with head in the clouds and while this kind of thinking has its drawback I was always sure of was that I was always happy. However, this changes since I came to second year, I feel as if I am living under a cloud and that cloud is my roommate, Don't get me wrong she is a very dear friend and would remain so till the time we are friends but she is like a  snake, poisoning everyone's life , dreams and aspirations around her. She is dismissive of others and always refuses to acknowledge anybody'a achievement while always boosting about herself.  Always trying to show how she is smarter than everybody else and how she is never wrong. And considering the amount of time I spend with her everyday, it is but obvious that  I would fall into her vices or character flaws, I was always modest and  happy for others. But these days I have become completely unrecognizable human being. I took me some time a

How do you know you can do it? Well, because I know I can because I believe in myself and because I trust my instinct and because I am trying to change. Because I am confident in my skin. Because I accept myself for what I am. Because I know I have flaws but so do everyone else and I will improve upon them but I will not hate myself for it. PS- I know this sounds stupid, but I need someone to tell this to me and since no one is actually telling me this I think I will tell this to myself.  

I have resolved, I am going to bring about some major changes in my life and these changes begin now. I am going to change the way I think, the way I work, the people I associate with and my priorities. I would not say that I am pushing everything negative out of life but there are certain things which I would try  and not do: and the first among them is that I would not try to snub other people's achievement and would genuinely try and feel happy for them. Apart from that I would not think that high of  myself, I know I am mediocre and that is sad but the best part is that I have scope for improvement and that id what I am going to do. Secondly as I already mentioned there are some people who I feel that I am not going to associate with or atleast not hang around that much anymore, I think I am going to take some time out generally from friendships and other such relationships and try ans figure how I handle myself alone, or what do I think about when I not with people I am alr

I am really scared. I don't really care about anything, not my grades, not my crush, not my family, not my internship, nothing. I always wanted to feel numb, emotionally dead, I think I have achieved that. No, I think I have gone to a level higher, I have reached a level higher, I am a shell of a person I was, with no motivation, no aspiration absolutely no drive. I am content  with just letting things pass , I can't be bothered for doing anything , in short I am done.

Well, amongst all the things that are going wrong with my life at this juncture the thing I am most worried about is the fact that my crush has not replied to my message. This is a cause for worry, because either this points toward the fact that I am so deeply infatuated with him that I have lost sight of my priorities or that  I am just so tired that I have stopped caring about things that mattered. Either way right I am heart broken because I have got not a single email since last night. Even if my crush deems it wrong to email me atleast one of the numerous people I have applied for internship could revert back to me.