The Turning Point

Okay yesterday we had the first rain of the year. The rains started late in the  evening, in the morning the sky was clear and blue and the weather was beautiful and windy, the kind which makes you want to stand with your arms open and hope that the wind just takes you along with it . So the rain was the perfect end to a perfect day. But the reason this rain was so special for me was because this was the first time I enjoyed the rain in the true sense of it or rather in a new way than usual. Back at home when it started raining I would sit on a comfortable bean bag in my balcony with something warm and read a favourite book, but yesterday and moreover today I experienced rain on a more personal level and I would say these were moments of divine discovery. Yesterday I was out with friends and today I went on a long walk with myself and I must say it was the later experience which I enjoyed more. Things which I have learnt about myself in these two days- I love long solitary walks in r

I'm not known to be a social butterfly, but I'm not anti social as well, but today I feel especially anti- social, I'm not angry, annoyed, frustrated, irritated or plain tried but I just feel off and don't feel like being around people. I can't feel a thing, I feel numb. I feel so emotionally drained that my emotion center has just refused to work anymore, it has given up, I feel like a humanoid. People tell me a happy news and I can't even manage a convincing fake smile. And as a result I have bruised some egos and definitely pissed some people off today, but I'll deal with those tomorrow when I'm more capable of dealing with ...humans. Tonight its gonna be me and my rock.

Just how I feel right now-  

I know this sounds really silly and I am so past that phase but I am really scared, now the question arises what am I scared of, well that too is pretty silly and well frankly very cliché, I'm scared of being ridiculed and laughed at. I am scared that I might be very incompetent, that I might not fit there. Well I'm scared and I thought putting it out here for the world to read would make me feel better. 

Okay so this another life changing moment for me, I just realize that more than half of the time I'm don't do things because of fear of failing, I have a very vivid imagination I can imagine the worse case scenario in very situation even when something good may have a chance of happening I just mess it up by thinking and overthinking it. Like right now I have this MUN coming up and trust me I have wanted to MUN for a very long time but now I'm really scared and because of that I'm making all these worst case scenarios in my mind about how I would suck. The problem with me is that I care, not too much, but still I do care enough to hesitate, and this is where I lose out on opportunities, but now I have decided I'm going to give up on this hesitation and not let my mind kill me slowly. I'm going to do what I like, how I like and when I like. I'm going to ask questions in class, participate in discussions and debates, volunteer alone if I have to, but I wo

I have already told you about Poem Porn right, so now today I found this beautiful post on it which talked about... well me. I found it very relatable, here have a look- So I know I tell everyone how I like to be left alone, how I like my space, how at times I literally push people out of my life and how at times I plain just don't care, but then again there are moments when I want people to need me, to miss me, to notice me. At the end of five years I don't want to be the studious no nonsense girl whom you should approach with caution, the person who everyone just forgets, I don't want to be wallflower. I want to be liked and approachable. I don't want a boyfriend but I do want guys to have a harmless crush on me,to flirt with me a bit like they do with other girls . I know this sounds bad and desperate and really silly but for once I want to be the center of someone's universe.

Okay  I don't know how it suddenly came back to me, although it was one of my favourite Disney quote for a very long time, but today I  had this conversation with a friend  about rescuing and other such chauvinistic concepts and that's when this quote came back to me out of the blue. So here it goes- So from today this going to be my new life mantra, I don't need saving or rescuing I 'm fine just the way I'm or to put in a different way I can handle it. PS- Have a nice day.  

I never get the feeling of a new year till the second month of the year, in the first month of the year I'm still battling holidays' blue and holidays' weight , but as soon as the second month starts I have a renewed vigor. I feel that I have wasted the first month now and to make most of this new year I need to work as hard and as much as possible. So therefore for me the feeling of a new year starts from February. Plus this year I'm making some pretty big resolves and reforms, and they start from here and now. And these are going to be my New Beginnings.